I'm a fan
Anyway, the real clincher for me, that this story is not actually an article for men informing them how to get more sex from their wife by pulling out a bottle of windex and a squeegy and wiping the windows clean, is the story about Jennifer Armiger. Sister Jennifer is 33 years old and a full time Ph.D student who is disgruntled with her husband. Why is Jen so upset with her husband you ask? Is he out 'trolling for chicks' while she is holding down 2 jobs and trying to get a degree? Is it because he is a deadbeat and wont work? Is he abusive and addicted to drugs, alcohol, or porn, you ask? The answer to those questions is no, no, and no. Our friend Jennifer is upset because she wants to work out with her husband but cant because he is working 15 hour days running a trucking company so she can stay at home with their 4 year old son and finish off her degree (oh yeah, and cook the lazy slob of a husband a meal for dinner and then clean up afterwords). By the way, she is also mad because he 'walks right past a sink full of dishes.' To show her disgust with this kind of chauvanistic behavior, she switched to paper plates (that will show the ingrate!). Jennifer thinks this arrangement they have (him working like a dog to provide for his wife and family while she goes to school and takes care of their child) is sexist, and she would like it all to change. What she wants instead, is a more 'egalitarian relationship' when she finishes her degree and gets a job teaching.
I think I'm beginning to understand where Dr. Laura is coming from, and why she includes "Stop whining and start living" or "the proper care and feeding of husbands" in the titles of her books. Now, a lot of women work hard around the house and at work and so forth, but quite a few (especially in certain church circles) like to just whine about their men. You know, men aren't doing nothing all day at work. We go to work to provide for our families and don't expect thanks in return. It's our job, and we enjoy doing it. From what I've seen, men are a lot more cut out for this sort of thing than women, because men don't need a lot of emotional support and comforting when we have a bad day, or even just a busy day. For the most part, we just suck it up. Women are not like that. They've got their strengths, and we've got ours, and things should be kept that way because it's easier and you can't change the creation order.
PRCalDude
I also agree this is positing a subtle but real power play and sex is wielded as both carrot and stick: (hopes of sex VS no sex, just nag).Furthermore sexual intimacy should flow out of mutual love, respect and relational intimacy and yes even marital duty. Sex should never result from some manipulative work-reward equation.
In fact the worlds oldest profession uses an eerily similar equation. Except the terms are upfront, with a clear medium of exchange and no nagging to boot. No wonder it has thrived for eons!
I just saw an ad on TV depicting the ideal husband: a sexy hunk, who joyfully ironed the laundry and washed out the toilet--all while shirtless of course--and was super considerate on the phone, thinking and planning for all the woman's needs. A perfect cross between a personal servant, social arm candy and dildo: truly an "empowered" woman's dream.
Yes, the oldest profession is at least up front about the terms. If women want to be married, then they've gotta live up to their end as well. If you want the status, comfort, and financial support of having a husband, you've got to a) have sex with your husband regularly b) feed him and c) try not to talk too much. Definitely don't guilt him when he goes fishing with the guys either.
24 Comments
Reader Comments (24)
Ick.
It's hard to understand the women who don't appreciate what their men do for them...it is. Especially from a generation of women who've mostly had their own careers and jobs before, and as you note, when a woman has a bad day at work, not only does she need emotional support, chocolate coddling, being cooed over...her work *and* home performance suffer. Shouldn't we know better even though men don't react to bad days in nearly the same dramatic fashion? Shouldn't we be more appreciative of what our husbands go through and do day in, day out to provide? Washing the dishes for the millionth time isn't exciting, but...Hello? Especially amongst...well...shutting up now.
(From a woman who pretty happily cooks, cleans, bakes, keeps Hubby happy, and convinces him to take a night out for bowling or shooting or tooling on the neighbor's car from time to time. And yes, she usually washes all the dishes.)
(Though she likes to join in on shooting night, too, she must say.)
BTW, did you see the Time Warp Wives thing? Love it.
Hmm... he just described my marriage, and similar problems therein.
Remember my previous posts about Narcissistic Personality Disorders?
Yeah... I know first hand.
I've got a friend in your situation also. He's been married a long time and his wife won't put out or clean and doesn't cook very often. He ends up dealing with it with the elders and they pretty much just beat him up for his anger about the situation (as if he had no cause). Of course, this was at an evangelical church. He's a really nice guy too and is very sensitive and considerate. Anyways, my wife thought I should act more like him so I'm trying.
You just described my wife last night. Suffice it to say, a full-time career and kids are probably out of the question for her.
My wife tried surfing and liked it, so naturally she wanted to go with me. I was pretty depressed about this b/c it's something I do by myself or with the guys. I took her a few times in smaller waves. She doesn't ask to go much anymore because she realized how hard it is. It did provide me with an opportunity to see that there are many things guys do instinctually that women don't without a lot of training.
I work with the mechanics of 25+ different companies. If you stand around long enough and listen, the topic of 'no sex/intimacy from the wife' will always come up. Most comments are along the lines of "I dated/got engaged to a nympho and married a nun." It's the same story everywhere I go.
My oldest son's best friend got married about 3yrs ago. His comment is (sadly) "Getting married for the sex is like buying a plane ticket for the peanuts."
I tell my couples' Sunday School class the diffence between men and women is to put them on a desert island for 3 weeks with minimal/no food. At the end of the 3wks ask the man if he would like to have sex before getting any food and he'll say 'Hey, been w/o food for 3wks, a little while longer won't make much difference.' The woman will say 'Sex is #17,632 on my list of top 10 things to do now that I'm off that island. Wives need to understand that sex is right up there w/breathing for the male of the species. Too many women see sex as dirty.
I'm glad you brought this up.
The incentives for men in this society to get married have vanished, when you factor in the alimony laws, the child support laws, and the expectations and standards women are held to in the marriage (i.e. not holding up their end of the bargain with sex, cooking and so forth).
If a man truly wants to get laid, and he does, the best thing for him is to just play the field, because loose sexual mores, legal concerns, and monetary concerns mean he is much better off leasing than buying. The reason guys like Tom Leykis have so much success is that they're provided with so much fodder for their point of view by women. Secular women use sex as bait for a trap (marriage). Once he's caught, he's cut off. Men would have no incentive to cheat or sleep around if the wife kept the sheets hot. Men are creatures of habit and prefer not to go looking for their needs to be satisfied elsewhere if they don't have to. It's too hard.
Christian men, obviously, cannot just sleep around. What recourse do we have, then? Well, we can pray about it and get counseling. If the situation doesn't improve, it should be brought to the elders for potential church discipline. That wives need to put out is a clear mandate in Scripture.
The 'elder' women of a church should be having talks w/the younger on the care and feeding of men. When performing marriages, pastors should counsel every couple on the role of sex w/in the marriage w/special emphasis to the wife. I would never marry a couple w/o first 'laying down the law' to both. Every couple needs to bring their best into the marriage and keep their best available thruout the marriage. Men marry hoping their wives never change. Women marry to 'fix' all the things that need improvement. I've told a few young women that if their husband-to-be sits on the sofa all Sun. afternoon watching football and she knows it then she has no right to complain if after she marries him, he sits on the sofa.... She knew it going in, didn't like it, and married him anyway and now they are both miserable. Him because she nags, her because he won't change for her. If women would marry what they want instead of what they think they can 'make into' what they want, marriages would be much better and everyone would be happier. My daughter is hanging onto a boyfriend she absolutely knows will never marry her (he has basically told her so) but she keeps on thinking she can win his heart to the point that he will. Again w/my oldest. He is actually thinking about marrying a foreign girl because all the ones he sees in college are just a bunch of train wrecks. Little princesses that are so self-absorbed they will only make some poor guy miserable. He has a couple of married friends who did just that.
The blog refers to how women find men doing housework sexy.
It aint't about finding it sexy, it's that wives find it empowering. And any follow-up sex then gives the same feeling of empowerement... for all the wrong reasons.
Nothing feeds a woman's sinfully misguided self-esteem more than feeling like she is compleletly in charge of everything and everyone around her. Of course, we can say the same thing about men who abuse their wives.
And guilt is a powerful emotional tool to use on men who normally don't function based solely on emotion.
______
As far as popular culture talking about all men want is sex,... it is just not true. This is a majorly destructive cultural myth.
What happens is popular culture teaches women how to manipulate men (under this false assumption) and then blames men when they refuse to be manipulated.
This causes a lot of divorces primarily because the wife's emotions can't accept the obvious facts she is the one that is wrong, or is at least contributing to the wrongness.
And men talking about their sex problems among their male friends is not "normal" behavior, but symptomatic of the false sex mythos preache by popular culture.
In the secular world, yes. Although, there are a bazillion potentialy dangerious consequences.
In the Christian world it is better to "fast", as in abstain, as in maintain control of your emotions.
When we men react with indiscriminate emotions then we making the same mistakes as women when they react with indiscriminate emotion.
When my wife is cycling through what she calls depression, I drop any show of emotion toward her what-so-ever and pretend I am a robot. I don't do everything she tells me, but I do enough to show support. But I also abstain from sex, unless she initiates it. Which she usually won't when I am in robot mode.
I can not allow her secular-mythos manipulation techniques to manipulate our sex life, and manipulate me in the process. My main point is in letting the game play out, but changing the outcome at the end.
Ironically, my wife likes it when she can manipulate but does not respect me, but respects me when I refuse to be manipulated even though she hates me for it also. I can either be liked and disrespected, or be respected and hated.
How someone schooled in the Christian faith is difficult to understand, unless you can see who all else is influencing them from outside the church.
So... why do I play this game? Because I have young chidren at home that need me worse then my wife and I need each other.
And, no, my pastors are not currently sympathetic to my connundrum. Unless we can get some type of psychological counseling along with our spiritual counseling, our marriage is pretty much already ended, except for the legal paperwork.
_____________
Problem is that her pride won't accept that she is part of the problem and will not submit to getting proper help.
You understand what I'm saying here? As Christians it should be obvious. The primary sin at play is refusing to submit to authority, primarily God's authority.
Popular cultural mythos teaches women that they should not, and must not, submit to any kind of authority what-so-ever. And that, my fellow males, is not something we can just fix.
Here are some interesting thoughts from a married woman named Stacy:
She shares her personal life for the benefit of her readers. She then makes this observation about the key differences between men and women:
Personally, I would like to add, "NFL football" to the above list, but I do think Stacy is right for the most part. She then adds:
She hit the nail on the head here. "What temperament I am in???" "What season I am in??" This is way too complex here for men.
Women are different than men. Men have strengths and weaknesses that women do not have. Women have strengths and weaknesses that men do not have.
Men and Women are different from each other, yet equal in the sight of God, by divine design.
Notice the lack of "nagging her husband for not understanding why she chooses to sample 12 different perfumes depending on her mood on a given day." Notice the lack of disrespect. This woman realizes she is married to somebody different than her, a man. And she is trying her best to act like a married woman.
I think the worst consequences are psychological. The rest can be avoided (for the most part) by using a condom.
Wow. This sounds just like my friend's situation. So your wife is pretty much unsaved? The church you're at sounds like garbage. Her behavior sounds like grounds for excommunication.
Hopefully, she takes him at his word at some point. The worst of all worlds would be for her to nag him into marrying her. That marriage would be over before it even starts. For some reason, women like not to believe what men tell them directly, though.
Not a bad idea, but not without its pitfalls. Russian, Brazilian, and other Latin American women are just looking for a meal ticket and US citizenship. I can't tell you how many stories I've heard about women from those countries. Costa Rican women are an exception, as are (I think) Chilean and ARgentinan women. The best bet is a girl from Korea, Japan, or China, in that order. I've heard Chinese women tend to be stale fish. Korean women are the hottest. Asian women are attracted to nerdy white guys with IQ. Man I'm a racist. ;)
Why don't women simply understand that men are different than women, I wonder? Physically, physiologically, emotionally...very different.
Of course, maybe we do understand this, but the needs and differences of *women* are to be respected. Men? Eh, who needs them? They must conform to the woman's idea of what is good and right. That's why we see the manipulation and mockery and complaining.
And this is where popular culture gets it wrong. It is not about food and sex. It is about respect.
...or, but rather as the woman that God wants me to be.
The church we attend is quite orthodox and formal and the pastor preaches straight up Book of Concord doctrine. My wife is properly instructed as an adult but has a cultural bias against submission from her childhood. So, I can't say for sure whether or not she is saved.
The problem is that my wife is such a good sales-person (her profession is sales) it is hard for people to see past her public personae and believe who she is in private with me.
And the majority of her female friends are (9 out of 10) divorced at least once, if not twice. She just hangs with the wrong crowd. Its like living with an acoholic or drug-abuser, in that part of the problem is the poeple associated with that you can't just get away from.
The woman's idea, or the World's idea?
I don't specifically blame women for this, I blame sin that tempts women to focus on power and control, rather than submission to God and thereby respect for men.
Ironically, this leads to inability to respect themselves, which leads to any number of psychological problems. Men destroy themselves externally, women destroy themselves internally.
Insert the story of Adam and Eve. Eve did not submit to God's directives, and Adam followed Eve example to also not submit to God.
Hmm...
I quoted Stacy's blog concerning the "food, respect, and sex" quote to highlight some innate differences between women and men, in part, in order to show the folly of the secular humanistic drive in our culture for Egalitarianism that seeks to eliminate any common-sense differences between the genders. It is becoming unpopular to say, "men and women are different....by divine design."
Let me focus on this issue for a second.
A relative told me she stopped watching TV because all the men are portrayed as sex maniacs who are frequently portrayed as weak, indecisive, "no back-bone", wimpy guys who are passive about everything except for....wanting sex. At my place of employment, the TV in the lobby is often turned on, and on the sit-coms, the wife is often shown yelling at her husband and belittling him in a demeaning and condescending way, disrespectful manner, with the accompanying roars of "stage laughter" of the viewing audience.
I have not had a TV in my apartment (now house) since 1998, so I am/was not familiar with how sick things have gotten on the tube.
To be brief,
It ticks me off when I see stuff like that.
How can godly men be **confident** to lovingly lead and support our covenant families in devotional sessions, family prayer time, or times of crisis, when the larger society is caricaturing us as weak, indecisive, bumbling idiots who are passive about everything except for ......you know what. It is disrespectful, to say the least. How can godly men attempt to lead our families in the way Christ wants us to when the TV screams at us and portrays us in less-than-desirable patterns of behavior, as if we men are merely sex maniacs?
Due to the Holy Spirit transforming our hearts, godly men do see
the "big picture." We refuse to drink polluted water from cisterns that fail to satisfy. We refuse to obey Society's marching orders for us to be passive about everything except for .....We want to lovingly lead our families and model Christ.
I just pointed this out to my wife and that pretty much innoculated her from that sort of thinking. There's no way to wall yourself off from culture, though. You've gotta just recognize the bad parts of it and choose not to act that way and accept the good parts.
And popluar society does everything it can to ruin our reputations and destroy us in the process.
My spoused told me that all she wanted was for me to be the Christian man I am supposed to be. I asked her to give me an example of another man that presents the ideals she wants me to follow... and she couldn't (or woudln't) come up with one.